Believing Rumors
by ArwendeImladris
Summary: Jamie Kirk is 28, Starfleet's youngest captain, in love with her first officer – and a virgin. But Spock chooses to believe the rumors of her promiscuity – until a planet that equates virginity with childhood shows him just how wrong he is.
1. Believing Rumors 1 of 4

Title: **Believing Rumors 1/4**  
**Summary: **Jamie Kirk is 28, Starfleet's youngest captain, in love with her first officer – and a virgin. But the grapevine buzzes with stories of her promiscuity, and Spock chooses to believe the rumors – until a planet that equates virginity with childhood shows him just how wrong he is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.

_Three years after the events of ST Reboot…_

"Captain!" Sulu yells, and Jamie turns towards his voice – just in time to see a spear headed straight for her heart. Her life does not pass before her eyes – nothing so cliché. But three thoughts do go through her mind.

One: 'Bones is going to kill me.' Two: 'I can't believe I'm going to die a virgin.'

Three: 'I wish I had told Spock that I love him.'

And then a blue blur throws itself between her and mortal peril – and blue eyes lock with brown. All Jamie can do is catch Spock before he hits the ground, though she struggles under his heavy weight. The spear meant for her heart is imbedded in his back right below his shoulder – thankfully far from any major organs, but Jamie cannot help the panic and guilt she feels at the thought of Spock hurt on her behalf.

And then the familiar feeling of her molecules being scrambled (she knows she keeps Sulu around for a reason, he always comms Scotty for beam up at the critical moment) – and the welcome face of her Bones, waiting in the transporter room, and taking Spock into his capable hands. She knows Spock will be fine, now – her chief medical officer is the best in the fleet, and he will fix their first officer right up in no time.

"Are you alright, Captain?" Sulu asks, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jamie responds with a strained smile. "I wasn't the one hurt, after all."

Her helmsman looks at her with far too knowing eyes, but does not contradict her.

Jamie wonders when she became so transparent.

_Three days later…_

Jamie waits until Spock is fully healed and out of sickbay, and then she asks to reschedule their weekly game of chess – missed because the away mission took place their usual night, and Spock was sleeping in sickbay when they would normally be playing. Spock acquiesces, and invites her to his quarters at 2100.

She concentrates on her breathing as she requests access to his room. Her first officer opens the door manually, rather than using the computer – Spock does that sometimes. Jamie wonders sometimes whether she should protest the way he opens doors for her – but she does not know whether he does it because she is female or because she is his captain, so she refrains from commenting.

"Hey," Jamie greets, somehow managing to keep the nerves out of her voice.

"Good evening, Captain," Spock replies, leading her towards the table with the chess set. It is already set up for their game.

She sits, staring down at the white pieces in front of her.

"Call me Jamie," she absently corrects, and he nods in assent.

"I…I'm glad you're okay, Spock," Jamie admits softly. "And I know I've said it already, but thanks for saving me."

"It was _logical_," her first officer responds. "The spear was aimed towards your heart – most assuredly fatal. I received minor wounds in comparison. Additionally, it is the duty of the first officer to ensure the captain's safety."

"I know," she says with a small smile. "But thanks anyway."

Spock simply nods, and waits for her to make the first move (in chess).

Jamie decides to take the opening to admit her feelings. She faces near-death experiences far more often than Bones is truly comfortable with – but something about the last encounter really shook her. Perhaps it was the thoughts that crossed her mind right before what she thought was the end. She decides that she does not want to die with any regrets.

Bones will want to kill her regardless of the way she goes – but Jamie can admit to Spock that she loves him, and hopefully he can help take care of regret number two…

_One hour later…_

"Bones..." Jamie whispers softly, wrapping her arms around her best friend and hiding her face in his shoulder.

"Yes, Jamie?" the doctor acknowledges, all grump gone as he hugs her back, unable to resist the vulnerability in her voice even as the wetness of her tears reaches through his shirt to his skin.

"Spock...Spock thinks I'm a slut," she admits, a sob catching in her throat as she just hugs her Bones tighter. What would she do without him?

"Oh, darlin'..." he cannot help but clutch her closer, as if he could shield her from everything in the universe that wishes to hurt her.

"I'm 28 and I'm still a virgin and the being I love most in the galaxy thinks I'm an untrustworthy whore. I thought...I thought he was different, Bones. How...what do I do now?" she cries, and each hitching breath is like a dagger to his heart.

"Did you try to tell him the truth, Jamie?" he asks her softly. "If he knew the truth..."

"He didn't let me!" she interrupts him, voice muffled as her face is still pressed tight to his shoulder. "I...I told him I loved him, and he told me that I would make an 'unacceptable mate' as my 'promiscuous history' reduces the probability of my successfully 'committing to a monogamous relationship'."

And Bones knows exactly which are her words, and which belong to the green-blooded hobgoblin - and it makes him want to hit the cold-blooded bastard. Jamie's been through so much in her life - she doesn't deserve this. She's so vulnerable, sometimes, though she hides it behind false confidence and a quick grin. And the one person she trusted to really open up to...

Bones pushes those thoughts out of his mind, concentrating on holding his Jamie-girl in the here and now. And all he can do is clutch her closer and rub her back as she cries.

_6 months later..._

"Greetings," Captain Kirk says as she bows to the leader of the Facloxes.

The leader does not bow back, and Jamie's eyes widen at the snub.

"You are Captain Kirk?" one of the advisors questions, his antennae vibrating madly - and she has absolutely no clue why they are doing that, so she cuts her eyes to Uhura even as she nods the affirmative to the advisor. Her communications officer just gives a subtle shake of her head in response - she does not know either.

"Our Leader cannot speak with you as you are - how does the Federation allow a Child to be a Leader? It is not done," the advisor continues, orange skin shining bright under the planet's red sun. And Jamie stills, because she knew this could happen - it was in the mission brief, but she did not think that they would be able to _tell_ just by looking at her.

Child in this culture means Virgin. One is a Child until they completed full sexual intercourse, after which they were initiated into adult society. A Faclox could not get a job, let alone become a Leader, without losing his or her virginity.

Goddamn it - they would not get any negotiations done if she could not be taken seriously. But how the hell could they tell?

"I see..." she responds after a moment or two of silence elapses. "My First Officer Spock will continue negotiations in my absence. I apologize for any inconvenience."

"No, no! This must not be allowed. Faclox cannot join the Federation if a Child is allowed to captain its most powerful ship. You will undergo the rite of adulthood, or you may take your crew with you and depart," the advisor tells her, even as his leader remains silent, his disapproving gaze weighing on her heavily.

Meanwhile, her away team is staring at her with disbelief and confusion, as if they cannot believe what the advisor is implying - if his bold statement can even be called an implication. Uhura and Cupcake and Chapel and three fucking ensigns from security...and Spock, of course. She closes her eyes in humiliation. Then she opens them in determination. She is Captain Jamie Kirk, and fuck it, the Federation needs this First Contact. She can do her duty, no matter what it may be.

"I will undergo your rite of adulthood," she assures the leader, even knowing that she should not even be addressing him because of her "state."

Then she snaps open her communicator.

"Captain Kirk to the Enterprise," she says firmly, ignoring the many eyes watching her every movement.

"Aye, Cap'n," Scotty's heavy brogue responds.

"Patch me through to Doctor McCoy," she orders, firm determination in her words.

"What?" Bones grumps, without so much as a "Hello, Captain. Yes, Captain. What do you need, Captain?"

It makes her smile - she cannot help it.

"I need you to beam down and make me a woman, Bones," Jamie says without a hint of shame - she refuses to be shamed, she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

"W-what?" the doctor sputters. "Goddammit, Jamie - you cannot just say things like that!"

"No!" the advisor interrupts. "No beaming up or down! If you agree to the rite of adulthood, it must be done here. To reaffirm the Federation's commitment to Faclox, and to honor our traditions. You must pick one of close or equal standing from amongst your crew or the Faclox delegation."

And Jamie looks into the advisor's dark purple eyes, and she knows exactly what he wants...To be the one chosen to take her virginity.

Well fuck that - she refuses to fuck him! And though she wants to call him out on his perverted thoughts, she simply reassures Bones that everything is okay and she will work it out - all the while trying to ignore the colorful cursing coming through her communicator.

"Captain...Jamie? Jamie, you better not hang up on me, darlin'! I will spank your ass when you get back on this ship!" her doctor threatens, and it brings a smile to her lips even as she flips the communicator closed without a response.

"None of my crew is of equal standing," she informs the advisor, keeping her tone firm. "I am Captain. I am Leader. Sexual history has no bearing on adulthood in the Federation - we define maturity through other actions."

"We will not deal with a Child. And you have agreed to undergo your rite of adulthood - it must take place. Tonight. If none amongst you now holds close standing, then I would be happy to assist you in the ritual, Jamie," the advisor informs her - and man, the guy just sexually propositioned her in front of her crew and the leader of his planet, and she does not even know his fucking name!

"Captain," Spock states firmly, taking a step forward to stand at her side as his dark eyes bore into the advisor that just offered to take her virginity, as if it would be a favor to her. "Her title is Captain, and it is inappropriate for you to call her by her given name is such circumstances. And it is not true that no crew member holds equal standing with the captain - as first officer and science officer, as well as a son to the House of Surak, my position in Federation society is comparable to that of the average captain."

"Spock!" she whirls around, glaring at him and speaking in a low whisper. "Doctor McCoy is also of comparable standing - as Chief Medical Officer, he has the ability to remove me from duty if necessary. I was _going_ to ask for permission to have him beamed down, goddamn you!"

"That will not be necessary, Captain," Spock replies serenely. "I will do my duty as first officer and assist you with the ritual."

"Then it is settled," the Leader finally speaks, nodding in approval towards Jamie and Spock. "Your first officer will be your Initiator into the ways of adulthood. My aide will assist you to your room - I hope that we will be able to negotiate successfully on the morrow."

And with that, the Leader pivots and leaves the room - and most of his advisors and aides and security goes with him. Leaving only the advisor that propositioned Jamie, one uncomfortable aide shifting from one foot to the other, and Captain Jamie Kirk and her landing party.

She is so fucked - literally, this time. (Next time, Bones is beaming down with her - no matter how much he complains about the transporter.)

Jamie follows the aide silently, Spock at her side, as they enter the bedroom. Her eyes immediately alight on the bed - it looks big enough to hold a ten-person orgy, with some space left over. She refuses to look over at Spock.

"I will return in the morning to officially acknowledge the completion of the rite," the aide says nervously, glancing between Jamie and Spock. "The drawers are stocked with the appropriate assistance, if so desired."

And then he leaves, and Jamie is left alone in the giant, luxurious bedroom with only her first officer as company. She jumps in shock as her communicator goes off - and yes, it is Bones. And though she is not looking forward to whatever her best friend has to say, it is better than standing in awkward silence with Spock.

"Hey, Bones," she greets, trying to make herself sound cheerful.

"Do you 'Hey, Bones,' me, missy!" the doctor replies immediately. "Scotty says that the Facloxes are refusing to allow any people to be beamed up or down until some goddamn ritual is complete. Do you want to fill me in?"

"No," she responds honestly. "I really, really don't. But I want you to be down here, so you can be my 'Initiator', or whatever the hell they call it. This one advisor totally wanted me to choose him, but then *Spock* offered himself, and now..."

"Breathe," Bones orders, sounding worried. "Slow down."

"On Faclox, a person is considered a 'Child' until they lose their virginity - and a 'Child' cannot hold any serious position in society. They...somehow they knew, and now they are refusing to deal with me until I undergo their fucking ritual of adulthood, and they won't let me beam you down to be my...my person," Jamie admits, feeling herself flush in embarrassment at both the words and Spock's gaze, heavy on her back.

"Fuck!" the doctor shouts.

"Bones...I really wish you were here," she whispers softly, hating the vulnerability she cannot keep from her voice. "I need you."

"Oh, Jamie-girl...I would be there if I could, you know that. But Scotty says that the Faclox have some sort of transporter-detection field up right now - they would know right away if anyone is beamed up or down," Bones tells her, his tone reassuring, and it makes her feel a little better - to know he is there for her, emotionally if not physically.

"Spock..." she wants to continue, explain to Bones how she is feeling, but her first officer is _right there_ in the room. Not that it really matters - he already knows how she feels about him, and she already knows how he feels about _that_.

"Yes, Captain?" Spock questions, as if she was addressing him, rather than just trying to explain the fucked-up situation to her best friend.

"I...I'm going to go to the bathroom to...get ready," she says, aiming the words at both men.

"Let me speak to Spock, Jamie," Bones orders more than asks, really - but his tone is gentle, and she really does not have the energy to refuse.

So she hands the communicator to her first officer, and slips through the ornate door she did not enter though, hoping it is a bathroom. It is...and it is also soundproof, so she has absolutely no idea what her two officers are speaking about on the other side...

*****

"Listen to me, Spock, and listen well - if you hurt her, I will remove your balls with a dull, rusty old scalpel, do you hear me?" the doctor threatens, and Spock feels a hint of anger before he ruthlessly suppresses it.

The doctor is not the only one who...cares for the captain - Spock would protect her with his life, and not only because of duty.

Because she is his friend, understanding and kind, and she brings out emotions in him that he has spent his entire life attempting to deny. He has longed to return her regard, but believed it to be only fleeting - he does not wish to invest his deep Vulcan desires in any entanglement that is not to be for life. But Spock illogically listened to rumors regarding her sexual exploits - he believed that even if only a small fraction of them were true, it would substantially reduce the probability that Jamie could successfully engage in a permanent romantic partnership.

And then that advisor, mere hours ago, disproved Spock's preconceived notions with a few words. His captain is a virgin, and thus _none_ of the rumors are true, and as she has waited 28 years to find someone worthy enough of her regard, it is very likely that Jamie's first lover will also be her last.

It is for this reason that he cannot allow any other to be her first - especially Doctor McCoy, who is already close to her emotionally through their friendship.

"Spock? Spock! You pointy-eared hobgoblin, this is important, so fucking listen to me!" the human's harsh tone breaks through Spock's thoughts, and he focuses his attention on the doctor once more.

"I am listening," he responds blandly.

"You damn better be, because if you hurt her..." the doctor lets the threat trail off, taking a deep breath. "I'm going to give you a few rules, and you are going to follow them, or Jamie will never let you touch her again - and we both know that is the last thing you want."

Spock pushes down his shock, but before he can refute the doctor's statement, the man continues.

"One - Jamie's hymen is still intact. She refused to let me surgically remove it, so it's going to cause her a bit of pain when you first penetrate her. You damn better be gentle," Doctor McCoy orders. "Two - I don't know what stupid kinky shit you're into, and I don't want to know, but you will keep it away from her. It's her first time, and it's not under the best of circumstance, and she doesn't need anything but vanilla, got it? No toys, no chains, no dominance issues - you let her set the pace."

"Doctor McCoy, I have successfully engaged in sexual relations in the past. I do not need your 'rules'," Spock interjects, hoping to break the man's tirade.

"_Three_," the doctor continues without pause. "You _will not_ ejaculate on her - not on her back, or her breasts, or her stomach, and _especially_ not on her face. You pull out and ejaculate on the bed or across your hand or wherever else you want, but none of it better touch her. Spock..."

The doctor ceases speaking, sounding resigned. Spock hears him take another deep breath, and then...

"Spock, that right there? That is _the_ rule. Just...don't ejaculate on her, okay? I have no idea how she would react if it was inside her, so as far as that goes let her set the pace, but if it touches her skin...She will freak out, and her first time with you will forever be associated with some really, really bad memories. She'll tell you when she's ready, so don't ask, but just...don't, okay?" the doctor finishes, and he is obviously waiting for a response, but Spock does not know what to say.

He wishes to ask about this rule - he wants to know what unpleasant memories would make the captain react negatively to the feel of semen on her skin. But Spock hears the door to the bathroom start to open, so he does not ask.

"Affirmative," he simply replies, and Doctor McCoy lets out a breath of what Spock believes to be relief - and then hangs up.

"Spock...?" the captain - Jamie, she is Jamie now - calls to him.

He turns to respond, but the words will not come - illogically, he feels as if his tongue has been glued to the roof of his mouth. She is covered by only a simple green, sheer robe, which falls about six inches above her knees. He can clearly see the outline of her breasts - and especially her nipples, which have tightened from either the cool of the room or perhaps anticipation. (He hopes it is anticipation.)

"Spock?" she says again, sounding uncertain. "Stop...stop looking at me like that. I...the robe was in the bathroom, okay? And I figure this way you won't have to see me. I can just...lift the hem a bit, and you can get down to business, and then we will be done. We can...we can spend the rest of the night playing chess or something."

"Illogical, Captain - we do not possess a chess board," Spock responds.

Jamie's face flushes - with either anger or embarrassment, Spock cannot discern. Perhaps he should have instead addressed her statement that they would engage in sexual intercourse while she was clothed - however provocative the article of clothing.

"I...well then we can just sleep, okay? I figure you probably have to, you know...for the ritual to be completed. So how long do you estimate it will take, Commander?" she asks him, the flush fading as she speaks to him as if they are on the bridge, and she needs to know how long his instruments need to collect data before the Enterprise can go into warp.

He refuses to allow her to make this a simple professional duty.

"Approximately 5.34 hours, *Jamie*," he responds, stressing the use of her given name.

She just looks at him with wide blue eyes for a second, before closing her eyes and taking a deep, shaky breath. And then she throws herself face first on the bed, spreading her legs. The robe barely covers her generous buttocks.

"Well, then, *Commander* - you better get to it. We have to be done before the advisor comes back in the morning," she mumbles into a pillow, wrapping her arms around it and hugging it close to her face.

Jamie stiffens, burying her face deeper in the pillows and waiting for Spock's response. God, why couldn't Bones have beamed down with her? He would know exactly what to do - he always knows exactly what to do. And maybe he could even give her a painkiller, because she knows that this is going to hurt...

"Captain..." Spock's voice cuts through her thoughts, and he seems much closer than he was a moment ago. "I refuse to simply 'get to it'. Doctor McCoy informed me that your hymen is still intact, and as such any haste may cause you significantly more pain than necessary. Thus, I estimate that 5.34 hours will be needed to provide _you_ with the optimal sexual experience."

And god, how is it fair that he can say things like that, and make her heart go crazy, and not love her back? He's her perfect guy, put right by her side to torture her with what she can never have. She sighs, releasing the pillow and sitting up in the bed, arranging her robe so it covers her as much as the scant material can.

"So what's the plan, Mr. Spock?" she asks, going for her typical smirk but knowing it probably comes out as a pained grimace.

"I will manually and orally stimulate you until I deem you are sufficiently prepared, and then we will proceed to proper sexual intercourse," he replies, brown eyes locking with hers, showing her just how serious he is about this statement.

"O-orally?" she squeaks, pulling her legs together tightly as if that would keep him out.

The idea titillates her, but also...how embarrassing! His hands (gorgeous as they are...) are one thing, but his mouth? Down there? She feels so exposed just thinking about it - thinking about him being able to see _everything_.

"Indeed," Spock affirms, slowly taking a step towards the bed, as if approaching a skittish animal that he does not wish to startle.

"Are you sure? Maybe...maybe we could just skip the stimulation and go right to the...the intercourse?" she asks timidly - and god, she hates herself like this.

She might be a virgin, but she's Jamie fucking Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise and all-around badass.

"No," Spock replies, shooting down her suggestion even as he perches on the edge of the bed, right near her feet.

She brings her legs up, squeezing her knees to her chest and laying her chin on top. God...why does this have to be so awkward? She really, really wants her Bones...

"I'm not taking the robe off," she tells him firmly, trying to regain her ground.

He just looks at her, before giving a small nod. Jamie cannot help but relax a bit, glad that he is not pushing.

"Should I remove my own garments, Jamie?" he asks her deferentially, and she feels a little flutter of arousal as she considers the question.

Spock naked? A part of her is waving its arms and screaming, 'Yes, yes, take it all off!' She shoves her inner sorority girl down, knowing that just the sight of Spock's penis will probably give her a panic attack.

"Just your shirt," she replies, thinking of the few times she has seen him topless - and enjoying the memories.

Spock nods his assent, stripping off his blue science tunic and black undershirt in one easy, unselfconscious movement. Jamie cannot help the blush that rushes to her face at the sight. He is lean, muscles not completely obvious but _there_, with his pale jade nipples hardening in the cool of the room. She can feel her own nipples tightening in response, and so Jamie pulls her knees up closer to her chest, trying to hide them. Her eyes focus on the dark hair trailing down into his uniform pants.

She sort of wants to lick him.

"I am going to remove my boots as well," he informs her, before doing just that.

And a little laugh escapes her, because not even Spock can make taking off the uniform boots look graceful or sexy. Even he looks awkward working at the laces, and the sight relieves some of the tension that built up at the removal of his shirts. Spock raises an eyebrow at her, but does not question her mirth. He simply lines up the boots and his socks at the foot of the bed, before turning to sit cross-legged across from her.

With bare feet...

Something in Jamie recoils, because she has never, ever seen Spock's bare feet before. There is something strangely intimate about it, about him - sitting across from her patiently, silently waiting for her to finish her assessment.

"Well?" she finally asks after another moment or two of looking at him.

"Are you ready to proceed?" Spock asks her, and there is something in his tone that can only be described as *gentle*.

It makes her want to scream – with frustration. Which is probably not his intent.

"I'm not china, you know!" Jamie yells, letting go of her knees and glaring at him. "I'm not going to...to break! I can fucking take it, so just...just fucking do...mmph!"

He cuts her off with a firm, but chaste, kiss. Her eyes are open the entire time, and so are his, and they don't look away even as Spock pulls back.

"Oh..." she trails off, unsure what to say. She brings a hand to her lips.

"Indeed," her first officer responds after she does not continue.

Jamie closes her eyes, and contemplates what a bad, bad idea all of this is, and how there is no way she is getting out of this without having her heart broken into a million and one pieces. And she will have to report to the bridge every day, and sit in the captain's chair, and Spock will be right there, at his station, unaffected and unemotional as ever.

Because of the two of them, there is only one who is going to be hurt by this, and it certainly is not him. 


	2. Believing Rumors 2 of 4

Title: **Believing Rumors 2/4**  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.

"I don't...I don't think we should kiss," Jamie tells him, though what she really wants to do is leap across the bed and join their lips once again.

But this isn't about love - it's about duty. And Jamie refuses to get that confused in her mind – because she does not need her heart to be any more broken than it already is. Spock does not want her – will never want her - and kissing him would just make her want him more.

More than the sex will, probably, because she knows that is going to hurt, and she probably will not like it - but Jamie _knows_ she likes kissing. It's part of what got her into this whole mess to begin with - in more ways than one. Jamie pushes those thoughts away - she refuses to think of her 'promiscuous' academy days now, or of Iowa before that...She needs to focus on the here and now, before she once again wraps her heart up in a bow and hands it to Spock, only to have him give it back, or drop it, or...

"I was led to believe that Terran females appreciate the touching of lips as a romantic gesture," Spock informs her, once again focusing her attention wholly on him.

"That's the problem, Spock," she tells him with a sigh. "This isn't...there's nothing romantic about this. It's just something we have to do in order to get the Faclox to join the Federation. We both know that we would not be here, doing this, if not for their rules about virgins not being able to hold any important positions."

For a second, Spock looks as though he might object. But she has absolutely no desire to hear what he has to say - Jamie cannot bear to listen to his rejection once again. She already knows that he is only doing this for duty - she does not need to hear him confirm it. And Jamie has always been better communicating with actions rather than words – so she lets her legs stretch out further on the bed, knees still slightly bed and feet flat, and spreads them.

Jamie cannot help the embarrassed flush that suffuses her face at the provocative action – it is very forward of her, because she is not wearing underwear, and if Spock looks he will be able to see _everything_.

He looks.

She feels uncomfortable under the weight of his stare, burning into her. She squirms a bit, and then begins to close her legs. Spock stops her with a hot hand on her right ankle, gently but firmly preventing her movement. And then he plants his other hand on the bed before her calves, even as he gently trails his hand up her right leg, making her shiver a bit as it reaches her knee.

Who knew _knees_ could be sensitive?

Her first officer crawls forward sensually until his knees are between her own - and then he turns his head to press a dry kiss to the skin underneath his hand.

Goddamn _knees_!

He peppers her skin with small, little kisses, slowly working his way up her thigh, towards her...and Jamie really needs to take a breath, or she is going to pass out, and that would be _so_ incredibly embarrassing...

"Please breathe, Jamie," Spock murmurs into the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, slowly working his way in... And that is easy for _him_ to say, because he is not the one who is falling to pieces with just a few touches.

Jamie takes a noisy breath in, holding it as she anticipates - but no, he pulls back, sitting up and pressing a kiss to her left knee now. He wouldn't...yes, he would. Spock begins the torture all over again, this time on her left thigh, and she cannot help but squirm in anticipation and nervousness and yes, even a bit of arousal. Especially when he gets to the crease of the thigh, and instead of a dry kiss, Spock gives her a little _lick_.

She is going to die... And then Spock's hands slide down her legs, cupping her ass and lifting her up - exposing her to his eyes and his mouth and...

"Is this acceptable, Jamie?" he asks permission, and what the fuck? How the fuck is it fair that he can make her love him even more, when the only thing she is to him is friend and captain? Why does she let him steal her heart, when Spock refuses to even admit that he has one?

"Y-yeah," she replies, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back against the pillow. She cannot help but tense in anticipation, and all she can hear is the sound of their breathing.

And then Spock just breathes against her, hot and humid and she cannot help but squirm, not sure if she wants to be closer or shut her legs and move away and tell him to stop - she cannot handle this, she loves him, and she cannot lose her virginity to him if he is only doing it because of _duty_. She deserves more than this; she _needs_ more than this.

"Please cease thinking at this juncture, Jamie," Spock whispers, and oh - he's right against her skin now, and then...

A hot, wet, rough tongue licks her lightly, bottom to top, ending at her clit and focusing on that sensitive bundle of nerves...And Jamie squirms again, throwing her head back even as her mouth opens to take in a deep breath. She's not really too wet at this point – she is too nervous and tense and yes, there's pleasure, but Jamie just cannot stop _thinking_.

And then Spock lightly sucks at her clit, tongue gently lashing forward to tease her, even as he brings one hand around to skim him fingers along her folds. It's a tease, but not a tease, and she's not quite sure how to feel, how to act, what to _do_.

Spock pulls his mouth away, looking up at her with dark eyes even as his fingers continue to tease along her folds, not going anywhere near penetrating, just _exploring_ her thoroughly, as thoroughly as one of his fucking science experiments...

"This is why I estimated 5.34 hours necessary for pleasurable sexual intercourse. Please relax, or my estimate will logically increase," he informs her, and his voice is so soft - gentle, like she's something fragile and beautiful and _precious_.

Almost like he loves her - but she knows that is not true, Jamie heard from his own lips just how much he does not trust her, does not _respect_ her. And love cannot exist without trust or respect...

"Spock...I don't know if I can do this," she admits to him, and yeah, Captain Jamie Kirk does not believe in no-win situations, but she cannot be Captain - not here, in this bed, with the man she loves more than is good for her. Maybe she should just say 'fuck it'. Beam the away team back up to the Enterprise, and tell Starfleet Command that they cannot reasonably expect her to give up her virginity for a mission. That they need to send some other captain, one that has already had sex and won't have to give her first time to her first officer who so completely rejected her only six months before...

But Jamie knows that she cannot do that. The Federation needs Faclox to join - it is located in an important strategic location, and it has a lot of important raw materials and goods needed to rebuild their armada. And the Faclox would be insulted if the Federation attempts to switch Jamie out and replace her with a different, non-virginal captain. Besides, they would still see it as a weakness on the Federation's part for allowing a 'Child' to captain their flagship…

And even if she cannot be Captain here - regular ol' Jamie Kirk does not believe in no-win situations either, and maybe it's time she got over past hurts and just...gave in. It might hurt a little, but maybe it will be good for her - maybe she will be able to find someone else eventually, and maybe she will be able to tolerate his touch, and maybe she will be able to forget about loving Spock...

Yes, and maybe her Enterprise is a garbage scow.

She is so absorbed in her thoughts that she does not realize that Spock has pulled away, gently shutting her legs and pulling her robe back down to cover her - not that it does much, sheer as it is. And then he lies down beside her and pulls her onto his chest, into his arms. He is so, so warm - and he smells good, and this is why she knows she will _never_ ever get over him. Because he makes her feel safe, and important, and...

"Please relax, Jamie. We will not engage in any activities that distress you. If necessary, we will abandon negotiations with the Faclox and explain to Command the extenuating circumstances," Spock reassures her, his chest rumbling underneath her head with the words.

She just shakes her head in denial, curling up as much as possible within his embrace, refusing to hug him back - she just can't, not if she doesn't want to completely fall to pieces once this is over. Because he does not want her, and Jamie is the one who will get hurt if she fools herself into thinking that he does...

She forces herself to stop thinking about tomorrow. She tries to think about the positives of this situation – even if the circumstances are terrible, the man she loves is going to be the first person she has sex with. Even if nothing like this ever happens again – Jamie will always have the memories of tonight. So she has to suck it up, and look on the bright side, and fill the cup halfway, and…well, Jamie just has to turn this into a winning scenario, somehow.

She lays snuggled in Spock's arms long enough that she begins to doze off. Spock's arm is rubbing soothing circles on her back, as his other hand cards gently through her hair. Oh, he is so warm, and his cuddles are so _good_ - who needs sex? Really, she would be happy if they could just do this for the rest of their lives, no sex involved. Because sex is messy and emotional and dangerous, and she refuses to accept lust in lieu of love. (Jamie is worth more than her pretty face and her nice body, she _is_.)

"I...I guess we better get to it, huh?" she whispers, hiding her face in the warm skin of his shoulder.

"There is no immediate need to begin," her first officer responds, and it might be easier if he was nasty and mean and pushy – at least then she would have something to fight against. Jamie is _good_ at fighting – she's not too good at intimacy. "I do not wish to cause you any discomfort."

That makes her feel a little bit better, and she knows that this really does have to be done soon, no matter what Spock says. And despite his rejection all those months ago, he is still a dear friend - Jamie knows that he would not hurt her any more than Bones would. Hell, Spock has thrown himself between her and danger time and time again. That's part of the reason why she admitted her feelings to him, after all – never mind the subsequent rejection.

She can trust him with this - she _has_ to trust him with this.

"O-okay," Jamie takes in a shaky breath, making a decision. "We can...we can kiss. I'm good at kissing, it's familiar. Maybe...maybe it will help calm me down a bit."

Spock looks down at her with dark assessing eyes, but does not question her. It reassures her a bit, that she is still calling the shots.

"As you wish, Jamie," he replies - and then bends his head down to press a chaste kiss to her forehead. And then her left temple, and the other side. His hands wrap around her waist and pull her up so their faces are even, and he no longer has to strain his neck to reach her face. Lips to the bridge of her nose, her cheeks, the tip of her nose...

Jamie lets out a little giggle, even as tears begin to pool in the corners of her eyes. Oh, she has never felt so _loved_, but it hurts so, so much, because she knows that it isn't true. Spock isn't in love with her, and she really should not try to pretend that he is.

And Spock just kisses away her tears as well, gently removing all traces. And then he plants a sweet kiss to her jaw, peppering her skin as he moves towards her lips. Jamie thinks she is ready - but he still takes her breath away. A light kiss to the corner of her mouth, before Spock lines them up, pressing their lips together firmly.

She lets out a little gasp, kissing him back just as firmly - and Jamie is the one who brings tongues into it, licking along the seam of his lips playfully. He opens in response, welcoming her tongue into his mouth, sucking on it lightly before gently pushing the play into her mouth. Jamie moans as his tongue explores her methodically - the roof of her mouth, her teeth (first the bottom, then the top), even the insides of her cheeks - before their tongues come together once more.

She breaks the kiss with a gasp, trying desperately to catch her breath, rolling off his chest and back upon the bed. God, he really knows what he is doing - and then she remembers the way that mouth felt on her _other_ lips, and she cannot help but press her thighs together at the thought. Jamie can feel herself becoming aroused - her nipples tightening, blood rushing down to engorge her sex, and she starts getting wet.

"May I touch your breasts?" Spock asks, shifting onto his side and moving closer to her, and his voice is so serious, and his face is so earnest - Jamie sort of wants to laugh at him, even as she melts into a big pile of goo and nods her head in assent.

He sits up, looming over her but somehow not intimidating her - Jamie knows that he will stop if she only asks. His talented fingers gently brush the bottom of her breasts through the silky robe, caressing her lightly - more a tease than anything. She pushes her chest into his hands, and he gets the idea - Spock cups each breast in a hand, even as he brings his thumbs up to circle teasingly around her nipples, not quite touching them.

"Spock..." she whines, wrapping a hand around his neck and pulling him down into another passionate kiss. One of his hands braces himself against the bed, but the other is still between their bodies - now playing with her right nipple, rubbing and occasionally squeezing lightly, as if to make sure that it is as perky as possible.

He changes arms, lavishing her other breast with the same attention, even as he clouds her mind with his drugging kisses. God, Spock is so, so good at this - and Jamie knows he is not a virgin, the Faclox would have pointed it out if he was, and it just makes her jealous of all the others who have come before. All the others who have been the focus of his attention, just as she is now. All the others who _will_ be the focus of his attention, in the future. Because there will be others – Spock is too attractive for there not to be.

And Jamie has no right to be jealous - Spock can have sex with whoever he wants, because they are not in a relationship. He does not want her, and he never will - no matter how well he treats her body, Jamie needs to keep reminding herself that he does not want her heart.

He has made that perfectly clear.

She pushes those heartbreaking thoughts from her mind, determined to enjoy the here and now. After all, this is the only night Jamie will ever get with Spock - she has the rest of her life to pine, and the time to do it is not when he is in her arms.

Spock is the one who breaks the kiss this time, pulling back slowly, his eyes open the entire time as he holds her gaze. Jamie refuses to look away – no matter how intense Spock is, she can handle it. She is not some shrinking violet, even if she is a virgin.

"May I touch your vagina?" he questions - and oh, Jamie cannot help it this time, she bursts into giggles.

Spock looks down at her, obviously concerned by her response - Jamie knows he probably thinks she is hysterical, but she just cannot help it. She gets her giggles under control after a moment or two, but she cannot quite wipe the smile from her lips. His hand reaches down to touch her smile, tracing it lightly.

"You are...too aesthetically pleasing," he tells her softly, his fingertips still pressed to her lips. She gives them a little kiss in greeting, staring up at him as he lets out a soft gasp. "Too...others wish for you, desire you, fantasize. Enough to create fabrications and spread such stories as if they are the truth."

Jamie turns her face away, letting his fingers fall to her cheek, wondering why they are talking about this now. She does not want to discuss her reputation - not why she got it, not how she feels about it, nothing. She does not want to talk about the rumors that he heard – that he probably still hears, even on the Enterprise with a crew that (mostly) respects her.

"I...yes, you can touch me - you know, down there," she mumbles, ineptly trying to change the subject, and hoping Spock will not call her on it.

He does not, simply gazes down at her for a moment or so before giving a slight nod. Then he leans down once more to capture her lips in a kiss, and she is so caught up in his lips that she barely registers the touch skimming down her side, to land on her hip. Jamie _does_ notice when his hand slips underneath the hem of her robe, however - and she cannot help but stiffen up a bit.

Spock pulls back immediately.

"Permission to proceed?" he asks her softly, and Jamie can hear the silent 'Captain' that he does not voice - and it makes her feel stronger, more sure of herself, more in control of the situation. Spock will do as she allows, and not a bit more. If Jamie asks him to stop - she knows he will.

She just has to _trust_ him...she has trusted him with her body so many times before, if not in quite this way. And she trusted him with her heart, once – even if that did not turn out quite the way she wanted (still wants, will always want, but will never get…)

"Permission granted," Jamie says with a shaky smile, trying to push all thoughts of the past away. "But...kiss me again?"

"Always, ashayam," and his lips meet hers once again, and she barely has the mind to wonder what that word means - she never took Vulcan, and knows few words beyond those of greeting. And then all thoughts flee, as his hand once again slips under her hem. It begins to slide up her thigh, and she cannot help it - she clamps her legs together in response.

"Do you wish to revoke your permission?" he whispers against her lips. "What can I do to relieve your discomfort?"

Jamie closes her eyes, feeling blood rush to her cheeks in embarrassment. She sits up, scooting back from him a bit and putting some space between them.

"Maybe...maybe if you were on the bottom?" she asks tentatively.

Jamie knows better, but she half-expects Spock to protest. He does not, of course - he simply lays back, gazing at her with dark eyes as he waits for her to come to him. She allows herself to look at him for a moment – _really_ look at him. Trails her eyes over his strong shoulders, and his lithely muscled arms, and his lean torso. Lets her gaze fall to his stomach, and then down...and she frowns a little bit, because there is not even the smallest bulge tenting his uniform pants.

"Are...is this not good for you?" Jamie questions uncertainly, knowing that her face must be as bright as a tomato. Spock knows exactly where she is looking, and it is so humiliating that here she is, wound up over everything, and he is not even affected. Not _physically_, and certainly not emotionally.

"The touch of your skin is very pleasurable," Spock informs her, breaking her from her upsetting thoughts. "But my control is sufficient to prevent an erection until the point where you are sufficiently mentally and physically prepared."

"Oh..." Jamie trails off, unsure how to respond to that. It's strangely sweet, and she wishes she could say that she doesn't need him to do that, but she would probably be even more freaked out if she felt a hard something pressing up against her. "Does it...does it hurt, to control yourself like that?"

"The discomfort is minimal," her first officer replies, and that is not a 'no'.

The combination of his control (despite his 'minimal' discomfort) and his submissive position (flat upon his back on the bed) restores some of Jamie's confidence. She takes a deep breath, collecting herself - before she crawls towards his side, gingerly swinging one leg over to straddle his stomach without actually resting any of her weight on him.

"Keep your hands at your sides for now," she orders, not even waiting for his confirmation before leaning forward to brace herself on her arms, and kissing him once again.

Jamie lets herself sink into the familiar motions of kissing - and yet, it is different from all of her previous kisses. _Better_. Because this is Spock. And he _matters_.

"You can proceed now," she informs her during a short pause in their kissing.

His hands immediately go to her knees (man, he really has something for knees, doesn't he?), gently caressing the sensitive backs until she is squirming, embarrassed that some of her wetness might drip onto his stomach below her, just from his amazing kisses and those talented fingers rubbing her _knees_. (Okay, so maybe she has a little something for knees, too - but it is entirely his fault!)

And then those thoughts scatter, because his warm hands are trailing up the sensitive skin of her inner thighs, and Jamie is squirming in anticipation - enthusiastically deepening their kisses the closer those fingers get. Spock hesitates when he gets to the creases between thigh and groin, as if waiting for her to freak out again. But Jamie is not going to - not this time. She is on top, and she is in control - and if he thinks for one second that she is going to_ let_ him stop now, he is out of his Vulcan mind.

Before she can yell at him to get a move on, he gently caresses her folds with one hand, while the other starts to tease her clit - slowly easing it out from behind its protective hood. Jamie is pretty wet by this point - they have started and stopped so many times, and all this foreplay is getting pretty out of control. Spock coats his fingers with her secretions before bringing the lubrication up to her clit, easing the friction and making everything so much _better_.

Jamie spares another thought to those that have come before for her Vulcan lover, but then he gently traces a long finger around her slit, and she tenses once again - she is not sure if she is ready for penetration of any sort.

"I wish to insert one finger," Spock whispers against her lips. "It would cause you less discomfort to break your hymen at this point, before intercourse."

She thinks about it for a second - thinks about all the times she refused a doctor's offer to break her hymen surgically, because she wanted to save that pain for someone she loved and trusted. For _Spock_. And she cannot let him take that gift halfway - it may be cliché, or foolish, or who knows what else, but Jamie wants him to be her _first_.

"No," she tells him. "Not that deep - not with anything but your cock."

A frown pulls slightly at his lips before he controls it.

"My penis will cause you more discomfort upon penetration," he informs her, and she has to kiss his again - has to, because no one but Bones has ever cared for her comfort this much. And no one has ever cared this much in any sexual (or pre-sexual) situation she has ever been in. (Which is part of the reason why Jamie is still a virgin.)

But Spock _cares_, and that only strengthens her determination.

"I know - I want the pain with the pleasure, Spock. I can take it," she whispers against his lips. "I've had worse."

He breaks the kiss once again, staring up at her in censure.

"There will be no true _pain_," he corrects her. "If you are experiencing genuine pain, I am performing incorrectly. You will inform me, and I will prepare you more thoroughly."

"God, I love you," she blurts - and then kisses him to shut him up before he can respond. It is some time before Jamie breaks the kiss, and Spock is gentleman enough not to comment on her ill-timed and ill-advised confession of love. Which is good, because by that point she is sopping wet, bucking into his touch as he continues to tease her clit, bringing her right up to the brink and then easing off.

Again. And again. And again. 


	3. Believing Rumors 3 of 4

Title: **Believing Rumors 3/4**  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.

"Spock..." she murmurs, desperately pressing sloppy kisses against his jaw, writhing under his hands. "Please, please let me come. Spock...I need...I need..."

"Shh," he soothes, rubbing circles just right over her sensitive bundles of nerves. And oh, she can feel it coming, she is so, so close, but he is going to stop again, Jamie knows it, and then...

She is falling apart beneath his hands, and Spock does not stop - simply takes her lips in another kiss, his eyes wide open (staring at her, always staring, like he sees right into her soul) as he swallows her moans and whines and gasps. When it is finally over, Jamie collapses against his chest, still shuddering a bit from the aftershocks.

"I wish to taste you now, if that is acceptable?" and good god, Spock cannot _say_ things like that while she is still recovering from her first orgasm. (Not her first orgasm _ever_, because she may be a virgin, but Jamie still knows how to take her pleasure from her own hands. But it was the first orgasm ever caused by another person – and it was much more intense than anything she ever experienced by herself.)

And his question makes her think of his lips, and his tongue, and how _good_ he is at kissing, and how good he is at making her feel good - and so Jamie nods into his chest, trying to hide her blush. She expects him to flip her onto her back and get between her legs - but Spock does enjoy surprising her. His strong hands circle her hips - and then she is being pulled up, and up, and up. Until Jamie is directly above Spock's face. She braces her hands on the headboard, and her thighs are already shaking in anticipation.

And she cannot help but blush a bit at the position, because Jamie knows Spock chose to eat her out like this because it makes it seem like she has complete control - which in a way, she supposes she does, because if she asks him to stop, she knows he will (regardless of position). But before she can really work herself up with such thoughts, Spock licks her - from just below her slit all the way to her clit. Jamie gasps at the sensation, squirming and trying not to collapse and suffocate him with her weight.

And then Spock focuses his lips and tongue and teeth (just the barest hint, but wow - she never thought she would like _teeth_ down there) on her clit and the surrounding area, and Jamie has to bite into her arm to stifle the screams. His hands go to her hips, and Spock pulls her up just the barest bit - just enough so that he can talk.

"Please do not cause yourself pain in an attempt to quiet your vocal expressions of pleasure," he chides - and she is not sure whether he is more upset about her hurting herself or trying to stay quiet.

But then he lowers her back down, and goes right back to town - and Jamie listens to him, letting all of those embarrassing noises at as he takes her right to the edge. And then backs off.

Oh, she is going to _kill_ him.

"Spock!" she yells, squirming on his face as he continues teasing her, bringing her back down from the brink - and then working her back up. "Just...let me come, fuck. Please!"

And he obeys, sucking her clit into his mouth and using the tip of his tongue to trace circles onto the sensitive nerves, driving her crazy - and over the edge. Spock moves her hips down and sits up before she can collapse and bang her head against the wall - and the movement just conveniently places her in his lap.

"Are you ready for penetration?" he asks her softly, gently - as if he will not mind if she says 'no', but is simply curious.

Well, maybe Jamie is reading too much into him. But either way, she does not feel pressured - and that, almost more than anything, is what makes her say 'yes'.

"Do you wish for me to remove my pants, or simply maneuver my clothing to access my genitalia?" Spock questions, and Jamie snorts a little as her shaky hands reach down to unbutton and unzip his Starfleet-issue pants. But she is sitting on him, and there is no way to push them off unless she gets up.

Spock picks her up and sits her back down gently, standing up and stepping back from the bed - allowing his pants to fall to his knees. He pushes them all the way down, and then off - but Jamie is not really paying attention to the way that he is folding them. Methodically and efficiently – the way he performs every action.

No, she is much more focused on the large (oh god, _too_ large) bulge filling his snug regulation briefs. And fuck, he is not even _hard_ yet. Jamie can feel herself going into epic freak-out mode, but she just cannot help it. It's a penis, and it's there - only one layer of cloth between them, because her robe doesn't count, all he has to do is push it up a bit, and then he can access that spot between her legs that she has guarded fiercely, and for so long, from any penetration…

"Jamie, please calm yourself," Spock requests softly. "Do you wish for me to re-clothe?"

She takes a deep, shaky breath – gathering her famed courage and brazenness. Because goddamnit, she is Captain Jamie Kirk of the USS Enterprise – and she can _do_ this.

"N-no," she replies, hesitantly. And then stronger: "No. Take off...take off the briefs, please."

He looks at her, as if trying to determine the probability that she will epically freak-out again once he is fully naked (answer: very, very high). But Spock trusts her judgment (maybe more than is healthy), and simply pushes the briefs down off his hips, letting them fall to the floor before kicking them off - she notes, somewhat hysterically, that he is not folding them.

Probably because he is more concerned with her reaction.

And that concern is enough to ground her - she takes deep breaths, closing her eyes and just concentrates on how much she _trusts_ him. On how she knows, without a doubt, that Spock will never purposefully hurt her. That he will throw himself bodily between her and any and all harm (he has before, after all).

She is his captain, and he is her first officer, and they are friends, and...

"Jamie," he murmurs softly, as if he does not wish to startle her. "Are you comfortable with the current situation?"

"Comfortable? No," she says honestly, opening her eyes to take in his penis. It is still soft – he must still be using that Vulcan control to keep an erection from forming. But it is still large – large and intimidating and… But she can handle this. She can _do_ this. "But...but I can deal. I trust you."

After that, things move sort of fast - without really moving fast at all. Everything feels sort of surreal, but Jamie knows exactly what is happening.

Spock asks if she wants to take her robe off - she tells him "not really".

Spock asks permission to gain an erection - Jamie shakily grants it.

And then there they are - Jamie sitting on the bed, with her robe bunched up high around her thighs, and Spock standing there, completely naked with a light green erection. Before Jamie can work herself into another panic attack, she starts (mentally, because Spock would probably make her take a psych evaluation if she spoke aloud) repeating her new mantra: "I trust Spock. Spock will not hurt me. It is only sex. People have been doing this for thousands of years. I trust Spock..."

"May I approach the bed?" Spock asks, interrupting her thoughts.

And Jamie is starting to get pissed that he is asking about every single little thing, even if she is a bit grateful. Her emotions are tearing her in five billion directions, and she sort of wishes she knew how to meditate so she could calm herself the fuck down. Then Spock is on the bed (oh, she must have nodded yes...) and he pulls her gently into his arms, and kisses her. And then she is straddling his lap, and something long and hard is poking her in the thigh, and...nothing, Jamie does not panic, does not scramble to get away, only kisses Spock back passionately.

It is a bit anti-climactic after that. Jamie worked herself up for unbearable pain, but Spock just rolls on a condom (not that she has any diseases, and she is on the contraception hypo – just in case – but she appreciates it, all the same) and slips in gently (always so gently) – and there is simply a weird stretching sensation and a quick, sharp sting. It is uncomfortable for the first thrust, and then just vaguely strange and stretchy and _new_ after that. She can tell that he is enjoying himself - Spock actually lets some _expressions_ cross his features, and Jamie is glad that he is receiving pleasure, but for her it really just...it just is.

Physically, it's not good, and it's not really bad, it's just - _new_.

But that's okay, because Spock deserves his pleasure - he's brought her off twice already, and the least she can do is be an enthusiastic participant as she gives him her virginity and an orgasm of his own. So Jamie runs her hands up and down his back, and clenches every once in a while just to see how he will react, and simply enjoys watching the expressions of pleasure cross his face. She appreciates being so close to him – holding him to her, and feeling him _inside_ her, and _with_ her, and…

And then Spock comes - and she feels a warm wetness burst inside of her (but behind the condom, containing the mess and the weird icky feeling she knows comes with semen on skin) and Jamie cannot help a little squirm of discomfort as he slips out and rolls the condom off, tying it and throwing it in the trash.

"You did not achieve another orgasm," Spock states, frowning a bit. "It was selfish of me to take my pleasure without accounting for yours."

"Spock, I already came twice - you were definitely not selfish. And besides, it didn't really hurt - just, it didn't really do anything for me, either," Jamie admits with a shrug. "But it was...nice, feeling close to you. And stuff."

Spock raises an eyebrow at her, as if silently admonishing her that "nice" is not what his Vulcan ears want to hear in regards to copulation - and then he is slipping down the bed, pulling her legs over his shoulders, and...

Oh.

Spock does not tease her at all this time, just cleans her up and eats her out as if he has never tasted anything better than her. And, oh god, he is also licking up her _blood_ – she knows there has to be a little bit, from when he broke her hymen. Jamie is mortified at the thought, and as he starts licking into her (and okay, maybe she is a bit sore from before) she squirms and pushes his head away.

Spock immediately stops moving, looking up at her with dark eyes blown with lust.

"Am I causing you discomfort?" he queries, and it would be innocent if his face was not covered with...well, _her_.

"'m a little sore," she admits. "But...I bled, before. You can't just...I mean...I just..."

"You are experiencing emotional distress at my actions?" Spock asks, a frown pulling down at his eyes.

"No!" Jamie replies. "No, that's...that's a really strong way of phrasing it. It just...squicks me, a bit."

"It feels good physically, and you are not emotionally distressed - you simply are disturbed that I am violating a human sexual norm?" and okay, when he phrases it like _that_...

And it _did_ feel good - and Jamie can always ask him to stop. Later. Much later. (Like, three orgasms later. What? Spock is really good with his mouth...)

_The next morning..._

Jamie is a kick-ass captain, so she keeps her cool when the advisor enters the bedroom without knocking. She is thankfully still wearing her robe, and Spock put his briefs back on after they were done, so there is no awkward nudity - no, just awkward staring on the advisor's part, and defiant glaring on her part, and Spock being his usual logical self and booting the advisor out of the room so they can get dressed into their uniforms.

"Satisfactory," the Faclox states, his antennae vibrating madly - but the way he says it, and the way he looks at her, makes her think that he is imagining just how 'satisfactory' it would have been had he been in Spock's place. Fucker.

But Jamie bites her tongue (after all, she isn't a 'Child' anymore…) and she and Spock get dressed, and go to meet the Leader for breakfast.

"Greetings, Captain Kirk," he says as soon as he sees her - and Jamie only had to lose her virginity to earn those three words. Asshole.

So they have breakfast, and then Jamie gets a nice tour of the gardens, and then they have lunch, and Jamie gets a boring tour of the science facilities, and then they have dinner - and then they _finally_ sit down to negotiate. (She really hates all this diplomatic shit, and all this having to be polite when she really just wants to ream them out about their antiquated social norms.)

And all the while, Spock stands faithfully at her side, where he always is, and all she can think about is last night - and how it will never, ever happen again. How Jamie will never been that close to Spock again - how she'll never see his _expression_ as he orgasms. Never, ever again.

But Jamie can focus on this mission - she can. So she sucks it up, and represses the shit out of her feelings, and she's so fucking badass that the Faclox Leader comments that her rite of initiation must have been particularly "mature". (She womanfully resists punching him in the face.)

And a few hours later, the negotiations are concluded, and the Federation receives everything they wanted (including a new member planet), and the Faclox also receive pretty much everything they wanted, and Jamie is ready to beam up and get away. But before she can comm Scotty, the advisor who offered to take her virginity steps forward.

"Please feel free to return to our planet at any time, Captain Kirk. We would...**I** would _welcome_ you," and yeah, Jamie is pretty sure that she was just propositioned (again) right in front of her crew (again).

Before she can tell the dickhead where to shove it, Spock steps up into the male's face, and whispers something that Jamie cannot hear. The advisor turns a strange yellow color, and pretty much flees - and Spock walks back to her side, smug as can be. Jamie kind of wants to know what he said to the guy.

But she wants to get off this stupid planet first.

"Beam us up, Scotty," she orders through the comm.

And the "Aye, Cap'n" she gets is music to hear ears - because it comes right before the familiar sensation of her molecules scrambling, and then the even more familiar sensation of being on her lady.

"Captain..." Bones says, observing her carefully, looking for any signs of discomfort.

"I'm fine," she reassures him, trying to get by so she can get to the bridge and order Sulu to take them out of there – to somewhere far, far away.

"Spock can have the conn for departure," the doctor informs her, directing a meaningful look over her shoulder to the first officer. "I want to see you in sickbay."

And Jamie pushes down her blush, and sighs, and gives Spock the conn - following her best friend, and refusing to look back at her first lover.

"How are you really?" Bones asks her gently once they are in his private office in sickbay.

"I...physically, I'm fine," Jamie tells him. "Spock was...he was really gentle, and yeah, I'm a little sore - but it's nothing worse than the morning after a good workout in the gym, just...in a new place."

He sighs, pulling her into his strong arms and cradling her gently to his chest.

"Physically, you're fine. How about emotionally, Jamie-girl? I know it must be tough..." and god, Bones is usually such a grump, but he knows exactly when she needs him, and what she needs, and Jamie is so, so lucky that he threw up on her all those years ago.

It was the best thing that ever happened to her, when he threw up on her in that shuttle. Luckiest vomit of her life.

"I'm...a bit of a mess," she admits, and that is quite the understatement.

A soothing hand rubs circles on her back, and another one cards gently through her hair, and Bones just...waits.

"I...I love him, Bones," and oh, Jamie can't cry - she can't, can't, **can't**.

But she is, and she knows Bones won't tell - not a soul, so she just lets the tears come. The rest of the crew isn't around to see Captain Kirk fall apart, and with her Bones she can just be _Jamie_. He will stand by her side through anything and everything, so she doesn't think twice about soaking his shirt with her tears.

"I love him so much, and...and he told me we couldn't be together, and I was just starting to fucking _accept_ it and move on with my life. And now...he was so gentle with me, Bones. So understanding. And he didn't push, and he let me set the pace, and he held me like he _loved_ me. Like I was important, and fragile - like I was _precious_. And he's...Spock's my first, now. And he'll be my first forever. And I'll never forget it, and I can't take it back, and how the fuck do I move on from _that_?" Jamie babbles into her best friend's shoulder, taking comfort from his presence and using his shirt as a tissue.

"It'll be okay, Jamie-girl," he whispers in her ear. "It'll be okay. You'll get past this - you're a survivor. You can do anything. I have faith in you."

And why couldn't she have fallen in love with Bones? Why did her stupid heart have to pick the emotionless man that doesn't want her over her perfect best friend?

"O-okay," she says, trying to calm her breathing down and stop the tears. "Okay, you're right. I can do this - no such thing as a no-win situation. And maybe...maybe I can make this into something good. I'm not a 28 year old virgin anymore, and maybe...maybe I can find someone new."

"One thing at a time, darlin'," he tells her. "Just go at your own pace. No rush."

She nods, gathering her poise - and then leans up to kiss him on the cheek.

"You're the best friend ever, and I love you, and I don't deserve you," she tells him, because Jamie does not say it near enough. Bones blushes, grumbling a bit about "girly feelings", before pecking her on the forehead and gruffly telling her that he loves her too, and of course she deserves him - she puts up with all of his shit, and helps him hold it all together.

So one emotional breakdown later, Jamie heads for the bridge - her lady always helps her pull herself together, because the Enterprise and her crew depends on her, and Jamie is not going to let them down. Not for anything.

The bridge is a bit tense, her first shift back - Jamie is not quite sure how to act around Spock, so she ignores him, and he lets her. And the others all know - they have to, because the away team was filled with gossips. Sure, Uhura probably didn't say anything, and Chapel probably kept her mouth shut for fear of Bones if nothing else, but Cupcake is a big blabbermouth and ensigns are excitable at the best of times. And okay, it's all well and good to tell herself that nothing is going to change, that she will get over this and be the stronger for it - but Jamie cannot even look her first officer in the eye.

So...tense, and awkward, and Jamie escapes to her ready room to do her paperwork, barely able to choke the words out to give Spock the conn, and not even looking at him as she leaves. God, she should be more mature than this! It happened, there's no taking it back, everyone knows, and Jamie just needs to get over it.

She takes a deep breath as she flops down in her comfy chair, going through requisitions forms and transfer papers and requests for media appearances and putting off filling out the mission report for Faclox. It is going to be a doozy, and Jamie is not quite sure how to word everything.

"Dear Starfleet Command, Faclox is now an official member of the Federation. They didn't want to deal with me at first, because I was a virgin, but Spock fucked me to fix it, and then I kicked ass at negotiations. Enjoy your dilithium! Love, Captain Jamie Kirk of the USS Enterprise."

Yeah, _that_ would go over well.

She sighs, staring down at the blank mission report on her padd, and filling out the date, and the planet, and the members of the away team and then...couching everything in euphemisms and emphasizing the fact that she _succeeded_, even if she had to perform some...irregular duties to get the results. God, she _really_ doesn't want to talk about this with Pike, but Jamie just knows that he is going to call, and go all "Daddy" on her, and maybe even request to talk to Spock, and...

Jamie really needs to calm the fuck down. So she reads over the report one last time, decides that it is as good as it is going to get, and sends it to Uhura's station to have it directed to Starfleet Command. And then she looks at the chronometer, and realizes that her shift is over.

_Finally_.

So Jamie slips into the mess (once she peeks in to make sure that Spock is not there) and has a meal with Chekov and Sulu, all of them ignoring the big pink elephant in the corner. It is a bit awkward at first, but then Jamie brings up the Faclox's awesome garden, and that really gets Sulu going, and Chekov gets excited about everything and anything, and before she knows it an hour is gone and she's ready to fall asleep into her cookie dough ice cream (best comfort food ever...).

"Night, guys," Jamie says with a yawn, leaving them to continue their discussion about pirates versus ninjas (and no, Jamie has no idea how they went from a conversation about alien plants to discussing the relative merits of...well, pirates and ninjas).

A shower and her set of Enterprise pajamas later (what, they were a gift from Bones, and they always make her feel a bit better), Jamie is curled under the covers with her old paper copy of "Wuthering Heights" when her door chimes.

"'m sleeping," she mutters with a frown, knowing exactly who it is going to be.

"That is illogical, Captain," and score one for Jamie. "If you were sleeping, you would not respond verbally to the door chime."

"Maybe I talk in my sleep," Jamie protests, a smile pulling at her lips. She just loves messing with Spock...

"Negative."

And the reminder that Spock knows that she does not talk in her sleep - because they slept together last night, and as a Vulcan he needs a lot less sleep than she does, so he was probably just sitting there awake in the room while she drooled onto her pillow - snaps the playfulness right out of Jamie.

"Come in," she sighs, carefully placing the bookmark in her spot and setting the book gently aside.

"Captain," Spock greets as he slips into her quarters, still in his uniform despite being officially off shift for a while now.

"Spock..." she responds with a sigh, habit almost making her tell him to call her Jamie, but her new self-consciousness holding her back. This is just about as awkward as the first couple days after Spock rejected her the first time...

"Jamie," her first officer corrects himself, always able to read her well. "I...I wish to discuss the events of last night."

She sighs, pulling the blanket up to her neck, using it as a shield between her and the man that she loves. The man that she trusted with her body last night, but knows she can't trust not to drop her heart.

"Spock...I know it didn't really mean anything to you, okay? And I'll deal with it, just like I dealt with everything six months ago. Professionally, we will still work together as well as ever. Best command team in the 'Fleet, right? And personally...well, personally, I will always be your friend. So let's just...forget last night ever happened, okay? I promise I won't bring it up again," Jamie babbles, her hands fisted in her comforter and her eyes refusing to meet those of her first officer.

She does not want to see the pity there.

"I am unable to forget," Spock replies, and that makes Jamie look up.

"I...I know you won't _actually_ forget," she tells him, figuring that he is taking her words literally (as always). "Just...pretend. And eventually it will be as if it never happened."

"But it did happen," the Vulcan responds. "And even if I was able to forget, I would not be willing."

Jamie is not sure how to react to that.

"And I wish to bring it up again," Spock continues. "Many times, if possible."

And that makes the human freeze, because she is not sure if she is interpreting her first officer's words correctly. Actually – she _knows_ that she is not interpreting her first officer's words correctly. It is just her stupid heart, getting her stupid hopes up once again. Why is she so fucking stupid when it comes to this alien?

"I...I don't understand," Jamie admits, tearing her eyes away from Spock's intense gaze. "What do you want from me?"

"Everything. I wish to bond our minds together forever, so that we will be always and never touching and touched. I wish to meld our bodies together, so that I will be your last lover, as well as your first. So that I will be your only, in both body and mind," Spock admits.

Jamie pushes away the romance of his words - and focuses only on the last part. She has to - it is self-defense. If she gives her heart to him again...she will never get it back, she knows. (At least not in any number of pieces that she will ever been able to puzzle back together.)

"So this is all because I gave you my virginity last night?" she questions, unable to keep the bitterness out of her words. "You thought I was a slut because all of those fucking rumors, so I wasn't good enough for you - I wasn't _pure_ enough for you. And then you found out yesterday that I was actually a virgin, and then the stupid Faclox put us in a situation where you got to take my virginity, and now I'm fucking _pure_ enough, fucking _good_ enough, because you are the only man who has ever touched me? Well you know what, there wasn't a bit of difference between the me last night and the me six months ago, okay? And I can't...Spock, I can't. I can't let you see into my mind, and I won't be able to let you into my body unless I know that the fate of worlds is at stake. And honestly, how often are aliens going to make us do it?"

Spock is silent for a long moment, and Jamie thinks that she has scared him away - that he will turn on his heel, and walk out the door, and they will forget about this and she will move on. Maybe she will be able to find someone else, some day - though she truly doubts it.

"Though sexual intercourse is an important component of intimate relations, it is only necessary for Vulcan males once every seven years. I would be willing to forgo intercourse outside of my Time, in return for your mind," Spock informs her, and oh - it's a very noble offer, and though Jamie knows that he thinks he only needs sex during pon farr, she knows that he will still _want_ it, Vulcan or no Vulcan. (And man is she glad that she went to Bones about Vulcan sexuality all those months ago, before she admitted her feelings, because it would be damn awkward if Spock needed to explain his Time to her.)

"No, Spock," she refuses with a sigh, squeezing her eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. "I won't...I won't take your pity. That wouldn't even be a real fucking relationship, and neither of us deserves that. Besides, it was stupid of me to ever admit my feelings to you - we work well together, and we're great friends, albeit ones who once had sex together, and let's...let's just leave it at that."

"That is not my wish," he tells her.

"Well, I'm sorry, Spock. But it takes two to tango, and I tore my dance card all up a _long_ time ago, so you will have to find a difference dance partner," Jamie responds. "Please leave. I promise to be less awkward tomorrow, and even less awkward the day after that. We will move passed this, Spock."

"Jamie..."

"Leave."

But he doesn't. Instead, Spock steps forward to stand beside her bed, gazing down on her but somehow managing to avoid looming. He's always been good at doing the impossible, her Spock.

No! Not _her_ Spock... **Never** her Spock.

"Please," and that is not a word Spock uses often, especially not in that soft, gentle tone of voice.

"Spock...no. Leave," she tells him again.

And again he disobeys her order.

"Please, Jamie," Spock asks again - and this time he drops to his knees at her bedside. "I wished...I wished to respond positively to your admission six months previous, but I illogically allowed the false accounts of others to determine my reaction. I ask for your forgiveness, and for a second chance. I cannot go back to an existence without you, not after a sample of such a life. I wish to hold you in my arms at night, and watch you awake in the morning, and protect you as much as you are willing to let me."

"Spock..." Jamie responds, choked up. He is so, so sweet - saying all the right things, and admitting he was wrong, and even admitting he was fucking _illogical_. But... "But Spock, you only think you want me now. You haven't - you haven't seen inside my mind. You haven't seen the things I've done - the things I've let be done to me. Once you do...once you _know_..."

"Nothing could alter my positive regard for you," he assures her, reaching forward to hold her hand.

And Jamie knows what that means - knows that they are kissing in his culture, though there is really nothing sexual about it. It is...reassurance, and comfort, and _love_.

So much love.

How can she possibly refuse?

"That's what you say now, Spock. But once you've seen...you won't be able to unsee, Spock. And it's ugly in there, in my mind. I was willing to take a chance, once - but then I realized just how selfish it would be, to expose you to that," and she knows she is grasping at straws, but Jamie is desperate. She needs to put distance between them, to protect herself and him and _them_. Their friendship and their working relationship and… everything, it is all at stake here.

"You are the least selfish being I know," Spock responds, the sweet liar. (And how dare he say Vulcans do not lie? He lies to her all the time.) "And I love you. Nothing in your mind could be distasteful to me."

And that brings a gasping sob, because how can she fucking explain? But that's just it - Jamie can't. She'll have to show him...like the mind meld with the Elder Spock on Delta Vega. Spock will see everything, will _know_ everything...

And then they will go their separate ways, at least romantically, and Jamie will never have to speak of this again. She will put all her not insignificant stubborn determination towards never even _thinking_ about this again. (Well, that's the plan, at least.)

So Jamie tilts her head, and Spock's hand reaches forward, and then they just...fall forward, right into the memories that her contemplations drug up...


	4. Believing Rumors 4 of 4

Title: **Believing Rumors 4/4 (Complete)**  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.

Jamie's three, and four, and five – and her mom leaves for the summer, and Jamie and Sam go to camp, and her big brother is her best friend and her protector and her _everything_. He watches out for her: he doesn't let the other kids pick on her, and he makes sure that she doesn't eat anything that she is allergic to. He lets her tag along with him and his friends, and he's the best big brother _ever_.

And then Jamie's six, and her mom says that this summer, Sam's going to an all-boys camp, and so Jamie will be alone, all alone. She screams and she cries and she fights, but Sam leaves, and her mom drops her off at her own camp, and then she leaves for space.

And Jamie is all alone, because all of the kids are so mean to her. The girls laugh at the way she runs in the mud and plays with the bugs and climbs in the trees, and they say that they don't want to play with a _boy_. But the boys don't want to play with her either - they push her when she tries to join their games, and they say she has cooties and she should just stay away. And everyone laughs when she accidentally eats a cake that has strawberry in it, and she breaks out in hives everywhere and just keeps itching.

And Jamie is all _alone_ and she just wants Sam, or anyone, really - just one friend who likes her and wants her to be around.

The counselors mostly ignore her - except for Jeremy. He's nice, with bright red hair and these cool freckles and a really sweet smile. He plays in the mud with her when she asks, and answers her questions about bugs, and asks her to please not climb in trees because it's dangerous. Jeremy tells her that he knows she's a girl, and not a boy like the other girls say, and that he knows she doesn't have cooties and all the other boys are just being stupid.

And Jeremy says that the other boys are going to kick themselves in a few years, because Jamie is so pretty, and they'll all _want_ her.

Jamie doesn't know what they will want her for, but it makes her feel nice when Jeremy says she's pretty. No one ever calls her pretty, except for sometimes the old ladies back home, but they're weird, and they say it to her mom, not her, so that doesn't really count.

And so Jamie spends the summer with Jeremy, and they become really good friends, even though he so much older. She cries when the summer is over, because she won't see him again for a whole _year_, but Jeremy just hugs her and promises to write and says that they'll see each other next summer.

And he does write, at least one letter every week, all about college and how much he _misses_ her and wishes she was there with him. And the next summer comes sooner than Jamie thought it would. Sam goes to his all-boys camp again, and Jamie's mom drops her off at camp and leaves for the stars again, and the girls are still mean and the boys still say she has cooties, but that's all right, because Jeremy is there, and he is just as nice as Jamie remembers.

The summer passes, and Jamie spends a lot of time (practically all of her time) with the older boy. He still compliments her all the time - tells her how sweet she is, how smart, how _pretty_. And then he starts telling her that she is his best friend, and that he _loves_ her.

And Jamie has never been so happy, because someone actually _wants_ her, and she thinks she gets it, what Jeremy means when he says the other boys will want her. It feels so nice to be wanted, to be _loved_ - her mother has never really wanted her around, and her brother is four years older than her, and he's a "big boy" with his own friends, and Sam doesn't want her tagging along during the school year when they're both home. So Jamie will do anything for Jeremy, as long as he keeps wanting her and loving her and making her feel good about herself.

That's when Jeremy starts telling her about the secret games that girls and boys can play together. He says she still too little to play like a big girl, but that she's old enough, _mature_ enough, to start practicing. Jamie remembers what the teacher at school said - that she shouldn't let any big boys touch her chest or her down there, but Jeremy wouldn't hurt her. Jeremy would never hurt her – he promises.

He _loves_ her.

And besides, Jeremy tells her that he isn't going to touch her - he promises. He says that the teacher was right - that it would be wrong if any big boys, even Jeremy, tried to touch her secret places. So instead he has her take off her clothes, and kneel down by his feet. He tells her again how pretty she is, how _good_ she is, even as Jamie starts crying, because even though he isn't touching her is still feels _wrong_. It doesn't feel like she's being good – it feels like she is being bad, and is going to get in trouble, and should not be doing this. But Jeremy tells her that nothing is wrong as long as he doesn't touch her, and he isn't _hurting her_, is he?

No, he isn't.

Not even when he unzips his pants, and pushes them to his knees, and takes out his secret place - it's a lot bigger than Sam's, with dark red hair all over. Jamie is afraid that he is going to ask her to touch it - but Jeremy doesn't. He touches himself, though, while he looks at her - touches himself for a couple minutes, all the while telling her what a _good girl_ she is, how _pretty_ she is - and then something white comes shooting out.

All over Jamie's face.

And the summer continues that way, with Jeremy asking Jamie to take off her clothes for their secret game, and then covering her in his white stuff. They still play in the mud during the day, and he still answers all her questions, and keeps her from climbing trees, and tells her how smart she is, how pretty, how _good_.

But Jamie is no longer happy.

And she just nods when Jeremy hugs her at the end of the summer, trying not to stiffen up as he promises to write, and of course they will see each other the next summer.

They do - one more summer of the secret games, and then Jamie's mother marries Frank and Jamie and her brother don't go to camp again. And Sam is being nice to her again, including her, because they both don't like Frank, and that brings them together. Jeremy still writes to her all the time, but Jamie is getting older, and she knows that even though he didn't touch her, and didn't hurt her, and says he loves her - what they did was wrong.

She still doesn't want to get Jeremy in trouble, though - he is her friend. Her first friend, just for her. And he _loves_ her – she does not want to hurt him, no matter what.

But when Jamie writes to him that she won't be going back to camp in the summer - the letters stop. Jamie writes a few more, because Jeremy is older, and in college, and maybe he is just busy, and she wants to remind him that she is still there. But weeks pass, then months, and...nothing.

Jamie is ten years old when she realizes for the first time that the only thing boys want from her is her body - because her thoughts and her words mean absolutely nothing to Jeremy, and so everything he said to her must have been a lie. (Except when he called her pretty – after all, that's all she's _good_ for, her body and her pretty face…)

Jamie - the 28 year old Jamie that survived to help save the Federation and then went on to captain the Enterprise - pulls her first officer's mind away from those thoughts, from that revelation. The next memories come quicker, like snapshots rather than a movie. Quick memories, scenes flitting over the connection between their minds… Like a camera flicking through old pictures.

_Snap_. Sam leaves, and her mother is gone, and Frank starts _looking_ at her - the way Jeremy used to look at her, she realizes one day.

_Snap_. Jamie wakes up one night, and Frank is standing over her bed. She screams when she sees him, and he runs out – but she will always remember the creepy smile on his face as he looked down at her.

_Snap_. Sam comes back - and then he leaves again. He tells her Frank is selling their dad's car - and so Jamie watches him leave, and then drives the car over the cliff. For a moment, she thinks that she is going to fall over to – just let herself drop. It will end the pain – but that is too easy, and Jamie has never taken the easy route, never. So she holds on, and pulls, and fights – and she manages to get herself up over the ledge, into safety. But Jamie will never forget the sensation of falling…

_Snap_. Jamie's mother yells at her, calls her stupid and reckless and selfish - and then ships her off to Tarsus IV, because her mother never wanted her, but now she cannot stand Jamie at all.

_Snap_. Her aunt and uncle are so welcoming, and her cousins are so friendly. And their bloody corpses haunt her dreams every night.

_Snap_. Stealing food in the night to help feed her children, her _babies_, because Kevin is only three years old and he _needs_ her. He is so hungry, and he doesn't have any baby fat left on him, and the others stare around with hollow eyes, and Jamie needs to _save_ them.

_Snap_. The guards catch her, and hold her down, and take off her clothes - and then Jamie manages to get an arm free, and pulls a phaser from one of their belts, and then...the next thing she knows, there are four dead men at her feet. She takes all of their weapons, because she needs to protect her children, and she salvages what she can of their uniforms - clothes are a precious commodity by now as well.

_Snap_. And she's back in Iowa, because she was 'saved', but Jamie doesn't feel like herself any more. No one depends on her; no one _needs_ her. And there is food – so she starts gaining weight back. Her body is changing, and she starts shaving her legs, and wearing bras, and...and just like Jeremy always said, all the boys _want_ her. They don't think she has cooties now. They think she is hot, and they want to hold her and kiss her and have sex with her - but she will never, ever want them.

_Snap_. Except...Jamie hates hugs but she loves kisses. Jeremy hugged her. At first it was nice – it made her feel good, and safe, and loved. But then the games started, and his hugs just felt smothering. And now everyone's hugs feel smothering. But Jeremy never kissed her. So she starts kissing boys, but never any further. She breaks Henry Davidson's wrist when he tries to touch her down there and doesn't stop when she says 'no'. The high school football team is pretty pissed that their star senior quarterback was taken out by some pretty little freshman. So they start the rumor that she is a slut who will sleep with anyone – that she slept with Davidson and the entire football team and fall the soccer team and... It is a rumor that follows her into adulthood, somehow - when the furthest she ever went was a couple tongues down her throat.

_Snap_. Wasting years and years in a drunken haze of blood and bruises...bar fights to defend her virtue and other girl's virtue and just because she feels like it.

_Snap_. Working on the beautiful starship being built practically in her back yard, the _Enterprise_, dreaming of flying on her one day but knowing that it will never happen. But lovingly installing each and every panel and nut and bold all the same, smoothing her hands over that shiny hull and talking to her lady and telling her how _beautiful_ she is. How lucky whoever gets to captain her will be.

And then..._Pike_.

The memories come even faster now, flashes of the shuttle and meeting Bones and getting thrown up on, and starting a friendship that would end up saving the Federation and start to heal some of Jamie's shattered heart.

And then..._Spock_.

Jamie pushes his mind away when they start getting into her memories and feelings for him - he doesn't need to think she's any more pathetic than he already does. So she pushes his mind away, and then pulls her face away from his hand - shifting backwards and breaking their connection.

The sound of her heavy breathing fills the room, and Spock just kneels there - eyes closed, arm still outstretched, hand still in the meld position. And then his arm drops, and his hand forms a fist, and his eyes open. They are dark, so dark, his pupils blown.

"I...I still love you," Spock tells her, and there is barely an expression on his face – but his eyes betray him. He is agitated, upset, _angry_. "I will always love you. And I am not like the others - I do not want you only for your body. I want your mind, and your heart, and your determination and stubbornness and fearlessness. I will love you when you are winning, which is often, and when you are losing. And I will stand by your side for as long as you will allow, as your first officer and friend, but also as your mate, if you will have me."

Jamie closes her eyes, and holds the tears back - she can't let them fall again, not right now.

"I always want you by my side, Spock - as my first officer and my friend. I can't even think about being your mate at this moment. Right now I have a lot to think about, because yesterday before you found out I was a virgin you wanted nothing to do with me in anything even approaching a romantic light. And I can't...I'm emotionally compromised, right now," Jamie admits with a sardonic chuckle. "And I can't make any important decisions right now."

"I understand," he replies. "I wish to assure you that I am fully aware of my mistakes, and when you are willing to listen, I will explain my faulty reasoning and answer any questions you may have. I wish to make amends."

"I know, Spock," she sighs. "I know. And you can start by leaving right now, and giving me space and time to think."

He looks her in the eye, gives a sharp nod, and rises to his feet - striding towards the door in a few easy steps. But Spock stops right before the automatic door would have let him out.

"I will be here if you need me, Jamie - no matter what you decide."

And then he is gone, and the door shuts behind him, and Jamie is left with her thoughts and the tears that have come yet again.

Jamie walks into her best friend's office, and raps softly on the wall with her fist when he does not look up from his padds at the sound of his automatic door opening.

"Hey Bones, do you have time right now?" she asks softly when he raises his head.

He takes in her appearance - Jamie knows that her eyes must still be a bit red, and she is probably pale, and her hair is likely flat (she is not her best, right now, but at least she changed out of her pajamas and back into her uniform).

"I always have time for you, Jamie-girl," the doctor replies softly, saving something on his padd and then pushing it to the side. "What's wrong?"

She lets out a small, mirthless laugh - Bones knows her too well. It would be terrifying if Jamie didn't need him so much. Or more like, it _is_ terrifying, but she doesn't run because she needs him so much. So, so much. She needs him to hold her and listen to her and reassure her and protect her – to be the big brother Sam would have been, _should_ have been, if he hadn't left her all alone.

"Spock...Spock came to my quarters tonight. To talk. And to...he told me he loves me, Bones," Jamie whispers, reluctantly - as if saying it out loud will destroy it. And if telling another of Spock's feelings will make him change his mind – make him decide that no, he doesn't really want her. Make him realize just how _illogical_ it is to want her.

"And what did you say?" Bones asks.

And so Jamie tells him - tells him about her response to Spock's declaration, about the meld, about Spock telling her he stills loves her despite knowing everything and that he will wait, and about Jamie telling him that she needs space and time to sort herself out. Bones just looks at her, listening intently to her every word with a neutral expression on his face.

"You still love him," Bones points out, almost gently, once her story is over. "He's still the only one you can see yourself with, isn't he?"

Jamie takes a deep, noisy breath.

"Yes," she admits.

"Then that's it, darling. Keep him waiting as long as you need, make him grovel, get down on his knees and beg, whatever - but forgive him, and tell him eventually, and move on together. Because if he's what you want - if he's who you love - and he returns your feelings? I think you owe it to yourself to try to be happy with him, even if I still don't think he deserves you," Bones finishes with a little grin, and Jamie can't help the smile - her best friend always knows exactly what to say to make her feel better.

So she walks forward to hug him tightly, burying her face in that strong shoulder he always lets her cry on.

"I wish you were my big brother, Bones," she tells him softly.

"I am, Jamie-girl. Blood or not. And I'll be waiting on the front porch with a shot-gun if he hurts you again," he jokes.

Jamie knows he would not use a shotgun - he has hypos that would leave a lot less evidence behind.

_Two weeks later_...

Spock has been as professional as ever on the bridge, but every once in a while - in the mess, in the gym, on the observation deck - Jamie swears that she can feel his dark eyes staring longingly at her. Burning into her back and watching her every move. But then she turns – and either Spock is not looking at her, or there is no one there. Sometimes she thinks that he would have made a good ninja – if not for the way she can always sense his eyes on her.

And while her mind has pretty much been made up since that night with Bones - her best friend was right, she still loves Spock, and if he really loves her despite her past, she owes it to herself to try to be happy with him - Jamie decides to take some of the space that Spock is giving her, to try to decide _exactly_ what she wants from this relationship. (Because it is all well and good to say that she will give a real relationship with Spock a chance, but there are so many _details_ to consider. Spock is her good friend and her first officer and she doesn't want to ever do anything to compromise their command team.)

Well, and also to let Spock sweat it out a bit. She suffered six months without any sort of hope that he would ever love her back - Jamie figures her first officer can do with two weeks of uncertainty. He has to know that she still loves him – he was in her mind, after all. Spock just doesn't know if she'll succumb to her emotions and let him back in – if Jamie will _let_ herself love him, after everything. Because starting a relationship between them is taking a big chance that could wind up hurting _both_ of them.

But Jamie has always been a risk taker – except when it comes to love. She figures that maybe she should approach romance the same way she does everything else – with a reckless abandon and a stubborn will that gets her exactly what she wants.

And waiting two weeks is about all her patience can take, so at 2000 she walks to his door and presses the chime. Spock opens the door himself – stepping to the side and ushering her into his quarters.

"Jamie. Captain. Jamie," he practically stutters - and she realizes that this is the first night in two weeks that they have been alone together off-duty. He must know that she is going to give him her decision now.

"Jamie, Spock," she affirms gently with a small smile, and he visibly relaxes.

"Jamie," he repeats, a bit surer of himself. "Would you like something to drink? What do you want?"

And his anxiousness is so endearing - Spock is normally completely composed, but right now his nervousness is apparent in his speech patterns, if not in his expression - and Jamie cannot leave him in limbo anymore.

"You, Spock," she admits quietly. "I want you."

He stills immediately, completely - not a muscle moving. And he just looks at her - steadily, fixed, as if afraid that she will disappear if he blinks.

Jamie takes a deep breath, and sits down at the table they usually use for chess. Spock takes three strides forward and falls to his knees at her side.

"Jamie..." he whispers, and there is reverence in his voice, on his face - as if she has just given him a gift beyond compare.

"Please don't touch me," she requests softly when his hands rise to touch hers. "I...I need to say some things, and I can't think when you touch me."

Spock drops his hand, and nods seriously.

"As you wish."

"Okay," Jamie says, taking another deep breath. "Okay. Well - here it goes. You hurt me a lot, Spock. I...you believed every bad thing that was ever said about me, every rumor that guys whispered behind my back about what a slut I am. And that - that was enough for you to say that we couldn't have a relationship. And then, wow, you find out I'm a virgin, and you...well, you were there, you know how great you were. I wouldn't have been able to trust just anyone like that. And then you tell me that you love me, and you want us to be together. But Spock...even if I forgive you, I can't just...I need time, and space, and..."

"I am willing to give you whatever you need," Spock assures her.

"Well, here it is: I want us to be together. Exclusively. Forever," she tells him. "I love you, and I want you to love me, and I want us to love each other. But - we're going to take it slow. I'm allergic to flowers, and milk chocolate, but dark is nice - just make sure you clear it with Bones, first. And I don't need you to open doors for me. Or pull out my chair. And we can split the bill when we go to dinner. And we can kiss - I like kissing, a lot. And we can hug - I need to feel safe with you, and once I can hug you like I hug Bones, I know that we'll be ready to take the next step."

"And what of your relationship with Doctor McCoy?" he asks, and there is definite possessiveness burning in his eyes.

"He's like my brother, Spock. I love him, and I need him, and I'm more comfortable with him than I've been with anyone since...well, ever. Don't make me choose, Spock," she warns him softly - because at this point, yes, she would pick Bones. She cannot imagine a point at which she would not pick Bones. She might love Spock, and want him, but she _needs_ her best friend - she can't live without him.

"That would hurt you, and I will endeavor not to do so again," Spock promises. "I also accept your terms. I will gift you with dark chocolate, and as many kisses as you wish."

Jamie smiles a bit at that.

"And hugs and...other stuff?" she questions.

"We will go at your pace," he tells her.

"Good. Now - what are your terms?" Jamie asks him, figuring that fair's fair.

"I wish to bond with you in the Vulcan way. But I will wait as long as you need."

She nods at that.

"Anything more short-term?"

"Let me feel your mind?" Spock asks, moving his hand into the meld position.

"Yeah," Jamie assents with a shaky breath. "But...not right now. I'm still a bit shaky from the last one. It left me…raw. Right now, I just want a good-night kiss."

Something like a smile fills Spock's eyes, and he does not have to be told twice - he rises gracefully to his feet, pulls her up into his arms, and kisses her.

It starts out soft, chaste, _sweet_. When Jamie does not stiffen up or pull away - when she leans into him, and licks at the seam of his lips - Spock becomes more insistent, more passionate. His tongue slips into her mouth, battling hers for control - when Jamie persists, he surrenders to her, giving her control of the kiss. She breaks it with a small gasp – and looks up into his dark eyes, tempted to lean up for another one, but knowing that now is not the time.

"Good-night," she tells him firmly.

Spock looks down at her, and reluctantly drops his arms, taking a small step back and giving her space.

"I love you," he tells her in response - and Jamie has a smile on her lips when she enters her quarters, flopping down on her bed.

It is a good start.

_A week later…_

"I hope you realize that I can kill you without leaving any evidence," Doctor McCoy says conversationally as he runs a tricorder over Spock for his yearly physical – the one that had been scheduled for three point two five months from today, until the doctor contacted him this morning to order him to report to sickbay immediately.

Spock does react to the statement, and simply stares blankly ahead.

"If you hurt her again, Spock… Well, you better be good to her, because Jamie is the best damn thing that will ever happen to you," the doctor drawls, staring him straight in the eye.

"I am aware, Doctor," the half-Vulcan responds, holding the human's gaze. "And I will endeavor never to purposefully hurt her. I would give my life to protect her."

The doctor continues to stare at him for another few moments, before giving a decisive nod. Illogically, Spock feels as if he has just passed an examination – but only the first of many.

"Good. See to it that you keep it that way, and me and you won't have any problems," Doctor McCoy informs him. "Now get out. You're fit as a Vulcan fiddle, as usually."

"I do not see how a Terran string instrument…" Spock begins.

"Bones!" Jamie shouts, bursting into sickbay. "You wouldn't believe who I just caught… Oh, hey Spock."

"Good morning, Captain," he greets – and she shakes her head at him.

"Jamie, Spock – I'm not on duty right now. I have beta shift today, as you know. I just came to tell Bones that I saw Gaila and Scotty getting it on in a Jeffries tube," she tells him with a smile, before turning to the doctor. "Can you believe it? I thought Scotty was only interested in engines! Well, and maybe sandwiches."

"I believe it, Jamie-girl," and Spock cannot help but turn to look sharply to the doctor at the endearment.

"And I caught Sulu and Chekov last week, so now we only have to get you and Uhura together Bones, and we'll have a matched set!" Jamie says brightly.

Spock cannot resist her happiness – and he does not wish to, anymore, so he reaches forward to brush her fingers with his own. He gets an aesthetically pleasing smile in response.

"You'll help, won't you Spock?"

"Now, Jamie-girl…" Doctor McCoy interrupts – but then Jamie turns to him with her lower lip pushed out and wide eyes, and the human relents.

Spock commiserates. He finds himself giving Jamie exactly what she wants ninety-one point four percent of the time when she gives him that expression. He predicts that now that they are in a relationship, he will give in to approximately ninety-three point two percent of her requests – the remaining six point eight percent of the time concerns matters relating to her safety. No expression could ever convince Spock to compromise her safety.

"Great!" Jamie says. "Everything is going to be perfect!"

And then she hugs the doctor, and presses a quick kiss to Spock's lips, and practically floats out of the room. As soon as she is out of sight, Doctor McCoy turns towards Spock once more.

"You make her happy," the human admits gruffly. "She's practically walking on air. And I know it can't be like that constantly – every relationship has its ups and downs. But you better do your damn best to keep her this happy."

"I agree, Doctor," Spock replies. "And I shall start by, as you would say, 'hooking up' yourself and Lieutenant Uhura."

He leaves sickbay while the doctor is still sputtering.


End file.
